on the matter of pride.

It was still quite early for the shops to open up; for the cafes to invite in the usual customers with their tempting aroma of coffees and baked pastries, and for the people to head to their workplace in hurry.  But the streets are not bound by the schedules, and so I walk along the road where the ocean is beside me.  The guilt in me laid low while bitterness took over my thoughts.  A winter’s day incoming, but it was not yet too cold that I would shiver inside my huge grey coat.  In the middle term of schooling, and supposedly class has already started, the day reminds me for my weaknesses and in the decision to find strength within; I chose to withdraw my attention from education for the time.

A day to myself, but reality is, I live everyday for myself.  The guilt comes again as I think of the notes I’ll be missing for that one class today.  ‘No, I can’t hesitate; I’ve come this far, and later, I’ll just ask my friend for the lessons,’ I think in firm belief.  In reply, my guilt takes over my thoughts momentarily, reminding me that I’m doing nothing important at the moment but just wandering around.  ‘I could’ve made it; instead, I’m here alone, dwelling on the past, on problems with no solid solutions to deal with,’ a part of me thinks.  I sigh to the struggle of my thoughts, and check my phone if Chapters has opened yet.  Still, it is a long way to go till then.

Facing the ocean, I stood still with the recent worry in life: being jobless.  It has only been a few months since my last job.  It was not the best job, but definitely paid better than most part-times that places offer.  With a salaried earning, it granted luxuries that I dreamt of with its possibilities.  But, I blew it.  Aside from the portions I give back to my parents, everything, and more, I lost it all.  And it was all because of my stupidity, my momentarily weakness: using monetary means to comfort a broken heart.  ‘Damn it all, damn me,’ I still curse myself for doing that.  And I was even dumber – even arrogant, to believe that I would be able to find a job considering all the experiences I have had.  I prided myself in luck that I have never having to work in fast food settings, always climbing up with better positions and salaries as time went by.  But eventually, like all good things, this luck ran out.  And as if life is jesting, it changes my confidence to vulnerability, as did reality have already done to my heart.

Cold.  The wind breezes through me, reminding me that I’m standing still.  I start to walk again.  It had been hard, and still is.  The reality that I have nothing, the reality that nothing works right anymore, and the reality that I chose to turn away from, is here.  And I could only acknowledge it, and learn to overcome it.  But the problem I must first overcome is my pride.  The matter on such is that I can’t allow myself to look below of where I’ve been in passing.  The lesson, yes, marks of the place I’m standing, is in no position to deem where my values lie in part of reality.  I admit to my mistakes, but I cannot give up my pride.  I already lost everything that had once belonged to me; I cannot part with any more that I believe of worth.

A poison it is, this pride I hold turns me against from looking for easy answers that could solve the problem of being jobless.  Such pride, only hypnotize my determination to fight for my belief: I will do better, that I can do better.  And in journey to find a job, I apply only for jobs I believe I am capable of.  And for so long, the most that I have been rewarded for such determination were interviews.  They were nothing that goes more beyond, but it is something to lead me on to continue trying.  In condolence, everyone around me support with news they hear where places are hiring.  To their kind attempts, I could only return smiles, for my pride could not allow me to receive help yet.  The problem indeed is huge, but because I was the one who created it, I believe I should mend it with the best of my abilities first – and I haven’t reach to my best yet.

I check my phone again, and the time for Chapters to open has passed.  I start heading towards the street that would take me to my destination.  At the moment, I know I still haven’t found an actual solution to my problems.  Nor could I say that the thinking encouraged me with some comfort.  But to realize that I have nothing, means I also have ‘nothing to lose’.  And with this thought, I walk with determination to do what I’m supposed to do.


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